Crazy English Language by Richard Lederer [Many of these are mere wordplay, but several are linguistic anomalies. One interesting thing the author doesn't note is that in English one tells a lie, but the truth. Try explaining that to a six-year-old. ] Let’s face it: English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger, neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England or french fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write, but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce, and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose? If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another? When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm clock goes off by going on. When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly? Now I know why I flunked my English. It’s not my fault; the silly language doesn’t quite know whether it’s coming or going. ===================================   The homographs of "-ough" would confuse anybody: • A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed. Or, the full list, the combination "ough" can be pronounced in fourteen different ways. 1. awe: thought, bought, fought, brought, ought, sought, nought, wrought 2. uff: enough, rough, tough, slough, Clough, chough, McGough (alt of 3) 3. ooh: through, slough, McGough (preferred) 4. oh: though, although, dough, doughnut, broughm, Ough, furlough, Greenough, thorough 5. off: cough, trough 6. ow: bough, plough, sough 7. ou: drought, doughty, Stoughton 8. uh: Scarborough, borough, thorough (alt), thoroughbred, Macdonough, Poughkeepsie 9. up: hiccoughed 10. oth: trough (alt) 11. ock: lough, hough 12. oc[h] (aspirated): lough 13. ahf: Gough 14. og: Coughlin (also per #5) The following sentence contains them all: Rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman John Gough strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough on Coughlin road near the lough (dry due to drought), he coughed and hiccoughed, then checked his horse's houghs and washed up in a trough. 2-4-1-6-13-8-3-14-12-7-5-9-11-10 "I before E - Unless you leisurely deceive eight feisty caffeinated foreign heirs to forfeit their heinous sovereign conceits."   For the fun of how one spelling can be used for two entirely different words, we have the following 1. A minute is a minute part of a day. 2. After a number of injections my jaw got number. 3. After dessert, the soldier decided to desert his post in the desert. 4. He could lead if he would get the lead out. 5. I live next to the stadium where bands play live. 6. The accountant at the music store records records of the records. 7. The archer shot an arrow from his bow to the bow of the ship. 8. The buck does funny things when the does are present. 9. The clothes were too close to the closet door to close it. 10. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. 11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid. 12. The wind was too strong to wind the sail. 13. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. 14. Upon seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear. 15. The bandage was wound around his leg to cover his wound. 16. We must polish the Polish furniture. 17. "No time like the present," he said. "It's time to present her the present." 18. A large-mouthed bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. 19. Startled, the dove dove into the bushes. 20. I did not object to the object. 21. Not watching their steps, a seamstress and a sewer fell into a sewer. 22. On her farm, a woman worked to produce produce. 23. She wanted to sow, but her sow ate the grain; so she chose to sew. 24. She decided to combine her combines. 25. I had to subject the subject to a test. 26. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? 27. I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt. 28. John had to write to the right people to keep his rights during his rites. 29. The ewe with the flu knew who was due to get you through to the gnu with the number-two shoe, too! ============   If adults commit adultery, do infants commit infantry? If olive oil is made from olives, what do they make baby oil from? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian consume? If pro and con are opposites, is congress the opposite of progress? Why can you call a woman a mouse but not a rat -- a kitten but not a cat? Why is it that a woman can be a vision, but not a sight -- unless your eyes hurt? Then she can be "a sight for sore eyes." A writer is someone who writes, and a stinger is something that stings. But fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, hammers don't ham, humdingers don't humding, ushers don't ush, and haberdashers do not haberdash. If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn't the plural of booth be beeth? One goose, two geese -- so one moose, two meese? One index, two indices -- one Kleenex, two Kleenices? If people ring a bell today and rang a bell yesterday, why don't we say that they flang a ball? If they wrote a letter, perhaps they also bote their tongue. If the teacher taught, why isn't it also true that the preacher praught? Why is it that the sun shone yesterday while I shined my shoes, that I treaded water and then trod on the beach, and that I flew out to see a World Series game in which my favorite player flied out? If we conceive a conception and receive at a reception, why don't we grieve a greption and believe a beleption? If a firefighter fights fire, what does a freedom fighter fight? If a horsehair mat is made from the hair of horses, from what is a mohair coat made? A slim chance and a fat chance are the same, as are a caregiver and a caretaker, a bad licking and a good licking, and "What's going on?" and "What's coming off?" But a wise man and a wise guy are opposites. How can sharp speech and blunt speech be the same and quite a lot and quite a few the same, while overlook and oversee are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell the next? If button and unbutton and tie and untie are opposites, why are loosen and unloosen and ravel and unravel the same? If bad is the opposite of good, hard the opposite of soft, and up the opposite of down, why are badly and goodly, hardly and softly, and upright and downright not opposing pairs? If harmless actions are the opposite of harmful actions, why are shameful and shameless behavior the same and pricey objects less expensive than priceless ones? If appropriate and inappropriate remarks and passable and impassable mountain trails are opposites, why are flammable and inflammable materials, heritable and inheritable property, and passive and impassive people the same? How can valuable objects be less valuable than invaluable ones? If uplift is the same as lift up, why are upset and set up opposite in meaning? Why are pertinent and impertinent, canny and uncanny, and famous and infamousneither opposites nor the same? How can raise and raze and reckless and wreckless be opposites when each pair contains the same sound? Why is it that when the sun or the moon or the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible; that when I clip a coupon from a newspaper I separate it, but when I clip a coupon to a newspaper, I fasten it; and that when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I shall end it? How can expressions like "I'm mad about my flat," "No football coaches allowed," "I'll come by in the morning and knock you up," and "Keep your pecker up" convey such different messages in two countries that purport to speak the same English? How can it be easier to assent than to dissent but harder to ascend than to descend? Why is it that a man with hair on his head has more hair than a man with hairs on his head; that if you decide to be bad forever, you choose to be bad for good; and that if you choose to wear only your left shoe, then your left one is right and your right one is left? Right? ============ A waiter. Why do they call those food servers waiters, when it's the customers who do the waiting? I could care less. I couldn't care less is the clearer, more accurate version. Why do so many people delete the negative from this statement? Because they are afraid that the n't...less combination will make a double negative, which is a no-no. I really miss not seeing you. Whenever people say this to me, I feel like responding, "All right, I'll leave!" Here speakers throw in a gratuitous negative, not, even though I really miss seeing you is what they want to say. The movie kept me literally glued to my seat. The chances of our buttocks being literally epoxied to a seat are about as small as the chances of our literally rolling in the aisles while watching a funny movie or literally drowning in tears while watching a sad one. We actually mean The movie kept me figuratively glued to my seat -- but who needs figuratively, anyway? A non-stop flight. Never get on one of these. You'll never get down. A near miss. A near miss is, in reality, a collision. A close call is actually a near hit. My idea fell between the cracks. If something fell between the cracks, didn't it land smack on the planks or the concrete? Shouldn't that be my idea fell into the cracks (or between the boards)? A hot water heater. Who heats hot water? This is similar to garbage disposal. Actually, the stuff isn't garbage until after you dispose of it. A hot cup of coffee. Here again the English language gets us in hot water. Who cares if the cup is hot? Surely we mean a cup of hot coffee. Doughnut holes. Aren't those little treats really doughnut balls? The holes are what's left in the original doughnut. (And if a candy cane is shaped like a cane, why isn't a doughnut shaped like a nut?) I want to have my cake and eat it too. Shouldn't this timeworn cliché be I want to eat my cake and have it too? Isn't the logical sequence that one hopes to eat the cake and then still possess it? A one-night stand. So who's standing? Similarly, to sleep with someone. Who's sleeping? I'll follow you to the ends of the earth. Let the word go out to the four corners of the earth that ever since Columbus we have known that the earth doesn't have any ends. It's neither here nor there. Then where is it? Extraordinary. If extra-fine means "even finer than fine" and extra-large "even larger than large," why doesn't extraordinary mean "even more ordinary than ordinary"? The first century B.C. These hundred years occurred much longer ago than people imagined. What we call the first century B.C. was, in fact the last century B.C. Daylight saving time. Not a single second of daylight is saved by this ploy. The announcement was made by a nameless official. Just about everyone has a name, even officials. Surely what is meant is "The announcement was made by an unnamed official." Preplan, preboard, preheat, and prerecord. Aren't people who do this simply planning, boarding, heating, and recording? Who needs the pretentious prefix? I have even seen shows "prerecorded before a live audience," certainly preferable to prerecording before a dead audience. Pull up a chair. We don't really pull a chair up; we pull it along the ground. We don't pick up the phone; we pick up the receiver. And we don't really throw up; we throw out. Put on your shoes and socks. This is an exceedingly difficult maneuver. Most of us put on our socks first, then our shoes. A hit-and-run play. If you know your baseball, you know that the sequence constitutes "a run-and-hit play." The bus goes back and forth between the terminal and the airport. Again we find mass confusion about the order of events. You have to go forth before you can go back. I got caught in one of the biggest traffic bottlenecks of the year. The bigger the bottleneck, the more freely the contents of the bottle flow through it. To be true to the metaphor, we should say, I got caught in one of the smallest traffic bottlenecks of the year. Underwater and underground. Things that we claim are underwater and underground are obviously surrounded by, not under the water and ground. I lucked out. To luck out sounds as if you're out of luck. Don't you mean I lucked in? Because we speakers and writers of English seem to have our heads screwed on backwards, we constantly misperceive our bodies, often saying just the opposite of what we mean: Watch your head. I keep seeing this sign on low doorways, but I haven't figured out how to follow the instructions. Trying to watch your head is like trying to bite your teeth. They're head over heels in love. That's nice, but all of us do almost everything head over heels. If we are trying to create an image of people doing cartwheels and somersaults, why don't we say, They're heels over head in love? Put your best foot forward. Now let's see.... We have a good foot and a better foot -- but we don't have a third -- and best -- foot. It's our better foot we want to put forward. This grammar atrocity is akin to May the best team win. Usually there are only two teams in the contest. Similarly, in any list of bestsellers, only the most popular book is genuinely a bestseller. All the rest are bettersellers. Keep a stiff upper lip. When we are disappointed or afraid, which lip do we try to control? The lower lip, of course, is the one we are trying to keep from quivering. I'm speaking tongue in cheek. So how can anyone understand you? Skinny. If fatty means "full of fat," shouldn't skinny mean "full of skin"? They do things behind my back. You want they should do things in front of your back? They did it ass backwards. What's wrong with that? We do everything ass backwards. ============ The Strangest Sentences In The English Language All the faith he had had had had no effect on the outcome of his life. While it may look like someone copied “had” and pressed the paste button a few too many times, this is actually an example of what happens when the past perfect tense gets used back-to-back. The first and third “hads” are the auxiliary verbs, while the second and fourth ones are the main verbs. Stylistically speaking, the sentence would probably be less confusing if written, “He had had a lot of faith, but it had had no effect on the outcome of his life,” but what fun is that? Of course there is “John where Jim had had had had had had had had had had had a better effect on the teacher”, currently unpunctuated, but it can be punctuated so that it makes sense. • is is not not not is not is is is is not is not is it not See Answer “Is” is not “not”; “not” is not “is”; “is” is “is”; “not” is “not,” is it not? Wouldn’t the sentence “I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign” have been clearer if quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and Chips, as well as after Chips? The complex houses married and single soldiers and their families. The fun thing about this sentence is that “complex,” “houses,” and “married” can all serve as different parts of speech. We automatically tend to assume that “houses” is a noun, “complex” is an adjective, and “married” is a verb, but when you realize that “complex” is a housing complex and that soldiers who are married are staying there, things make a lot more sense. The horse raced past the barn fell. You don’t really appreciate little words like “who,” “which,” or “that” until you come across a sentence like this one. The headache you’re experiencing trying to figure this out is due to the presence of a reductive relative clause, which can be seen in sentences like, “The song heard on the radio was beautiful,” instead of, “The song that was heard on the radio was beautiful.” All we have to do to make this a little more simple is change the first part of the sentence: “The horse that was raced past the barn fell.” A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed The letter combination “-ough” has nine possible pronunciations in English (depending on regional dialect), and this delightful sentence contains them all: “uff,” “oh,” “auh,” “ow,” “uh,” “oo,” “off,” and “uhp.” How’s that for a tongue-twister? Pack my box with five dozen liquor jugs. It’s not just required luggage for surviving the weekend at the in-laws’ house--- this sentence contains every single letter of the alphabet, while using the smallest number of letters to do so. Go ahead and check; they’re all there. This exceeding trifling witling, considering ranting criticizing concerning adopting fitting wording being exhibiting transcending learning, was displaying, notwithstanding ridiculing, surpassing boasting swelling reasoning, respecting correcting erring writing, and touching detecting deceiving arguing during debating. Ending a word with “ing” can make it a noun, verb, or adjective, depending on how you use it. This sentence, found in a 19th century grammar book, explores just how far we can take the versatile “ing” if we put our minds to it. If you take the time to really dissect this sentence, it’s not as crazy as it initially appears: "This very superficial grammatist, supposing empty criticism about the adoption of proper phraseology to be a show of extraordinary erudition, was displaying, in spite of ridicule, a very boastful turgid argument concerning the correction of false syntax, and about the detection of false logic in debate." Well, I guess it’s just slightly less confusing. A woman without her man is nothing. This has made the rounds on the internet for a while now, but it’s still a fascinating look at how punctuation can completely change the meaning of a sentence. As the story goes, a professor told his class to correctly punctuate the sentence. The males in the classroom wrote, “A woman, without her man, is nothing.” The women in the class wrote, “A woman: without her, man is nothing.” With just a simple change in punctuation, the entire meaning of the sentence was changed in an instant. “I do not know where family doctors acquired illegibly perplexing handwriting; nevertheless, extraordinary pharmaceutical intellectuality, counterbalancing indecipherability, transcendentalizes intercommunications’ incomprehensibleness.” Author and recreational linguist Dmitri Borgmann came up with this sentence, in which each word is exactly one letter longer than the one before it. The sentence contains twenty words, and although it’s a little confusing to read, if you take the time to analyze it, you’ll notice that it actually makes complete sense. “I see,” said the blind man as he picked up the hammer and saw. This sentence plays off the fact that ‘saw’ is both a noun and the past tense of the verb ‘to see.’ It could mean that the hammer allowed the blind man to regain his eyesight, or that he uttered the phrase while picking up two tools. Read rhymes with lead, and read rhymes with lead, but read and lead don’t rhyme, and neither do read and lead. Isn’t it confusing when one word has two different pronunciations? For this (completely true) sentence to make sense, try reading it like this: “Reed rhymes with leed, and red rhymes with led, but reed and led don’t rhyme, and neither do red and leed.” The old man the boats. It sounds like something a very drunk sailor might say, but this sentence actually isn’t missing a verb. In this case, the word ‘man’ is a verb meaning to take one’s place for service, and ‘old’ is used to mean a collective group of old people You have just begun reading the sentence you have just finished reading. This collection of words is a simple one, but its sole purpose is to take you on a chronological journey of words while making you uncomfortably self-aware. I feel like this belongs somewhere in The Matrix. Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana. Is there a new breed of insect called a Time Fly that enjoys arrows? Or does fruit have the ability to soar as bananas do? One morning, I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I’ll never know. Groucho Marx came up with this witty joke, and while it might be cheating since it requires two sentences for the humor to come through, the first sentence is the one we need to pay attention to. The modifier ‘in my pajamas’ is thought to mean that the subject was in his pjs when he shot an elephant, but when Groucho clarifies himself, we learn that the truth is actually even more bizarre. This is a great example of how a sentence can completely change its meaning based on how we group the words together in our mind. When I tell you pick up the left rock, it will be the right one, and then only the right rock will be left. If you imagine a scenario in which you have a rock to either side of you, this sentence makes perfect sense. The first instance of ‘left’ and the second instance of ‘right’ indicate the location of the rocks. The first instance of ‘right’ means ‘correct,’ and the second instance of ‘left’ is talking about the rock that remains. Will Will Smith smith? / Will Smith will smith. As it turns out, the famous actor and rapper’s name is made up of two verbs. The first possible combination asks if the Fresh Prince is going to take up forging armor as a hobby, while the second one affirms it. I chopped a tree down, and then I chopped it up. Ah, the magic of phrasal verbs. To a non-native English speaker, “to chop down” and “to chop up” seem like they would be direct opposites (and might inspire some interesting mental images). Those who really know the language are aware that chopping something down means to hack at it until it falls, while chopping it up means to cut it into smaller pieces. Colorless green ideas sleep furiously. Noam Chomsky came up with this grammatically correct, but nonsensical sentence in order to prove that syntax and semantics are two very distinct things. You’d probably never hear these words spoken in this order in actual conversation, but all of the words are used correctly. This fascinating video uses this technique to show us how English sounds to people who don’t speak the language--- it sounds like it makes sense because the structure is the same as what we’re used to, but because the words would never be found in that order, we don’t understand what’s being said. Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo. This is a completely grammatically correct sentence, and it makes a little more sense when you learn that ‘buffalo’ is not only an animal and a city in New York, but also a verb meaning ‘to bully or intimidate.’ If you still can’t wrap your brain around it, here’s an explanation: Buffalo buffalo (bison from Buffalo NY) [that] Buffalo buffalo buffalo (that the bison from Buffalo NY bully) buffalo Buffalo buffalo (are bullying bison from Buffalo NY). Snowball sentences, also called rhopalic sentences or rhopalisms, are sentences in which each word is longer than the next, usually starting with a one-letter word, and increasing by one letter with each word. Dmitri Borgmann offered this example in his book Language on Vacation: I do not know where family doctors acquired illegibly perplexing handwriting; nevertheless, extraordinary pharmaceutical intellectuality, counterbalancing indecipherability, transcendentalizes intercommunications’ incomprehensibleness. The sentence is 20 words long, ending with a 20-letter word. Borgmann came up with a 24-word rhopalism, which he admitted was “a trifle less lucid.” See what you think: I am not very happy acting pleased whenever prominent scientists overmagnify intellectual enlightenment, stoutheartedly outvociferating ultrareactionary retrogressionists, characteristically unsupernaturalizing transubstantiatively philosophicoreligious incomprehensiblenesses anthropomorphologically. Pathologicopsychological! Incomprehensiblenesses indeed. This snowball sentence, which goes up to 17, is by Alan Truscott: I am the only dummy player, perhaps, planning maneuvers calculated brilliantly, nevertheless outstandingly pachydermatous, notwithstanding unconstitutional unprofessionalism. How far can you get in constructing a snowball sentence? Share your creations in the comments below. I thought it would be interesting to try to construct an alphabetic sentence that is also a snowball sentence. Here’s what I came up with: A BB can daze enemy forces, grazing helmeted insurgent jackbooted knucklehead legionnaires, mischievously, noninjuriously overdramatizing prorevolutionary quarrelsomenesses. Garden Path Sentences Consider this sentence: Fat people eat accumulates. Fat people eat what now? This sentence may seem like nonsense, but it is actually perfectly grammatical and sensible. It means that fat that is eaten by people tends to accumulate. But you probably misunderstood, because the sentence took you by the hand and led you down the garden path, to a dead end. Can you make sense of these other examples of syntactic ambiguity? When I dressed the baby stayed in the playpen. The old man the boat. The man who hunts ducks out on weekends. The horse raced past the barn fell. We painted the wall with cracks. The prime number few. The man whistling tunes pianos. The complex houses married and single students. The girl told the story cried. The management plans to cut vacation days are rejected. Cake in your mouth doesn’t cake on your face. I’ve convinced her children are noisy. The florist sent the flowers was pleased. An old buddy just dropped by his girlfriend was happy to see her. And, saving the best for last… Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. More should be said about this example, which is the most humorous of garden path sentences. First of all, there is a modern addendum: Amelia Earhart flies, like, a plane. Second, “Time flies like an arrow” is a fantastic example of syntactic ambiguity, in that there are at least six possible interpretations of this short sentence: • (You should) measure the speed of flies the way you would measure the speed of an arrow. • (You should) measure the speed of flies the way an arrow would do so. • (You should) measure the speed of flies that have similar qualities to an arrow. • Time moves in the way an arrow would. • Flying insects known as “time flies” enjoy an arrow. • A copy of the magazine “Time,” when thrown, moves through the air the way an arrow would. An alphabetic sentence is one in which the words start with the letters of the alphabet, in order. To follow the rules of this game, your sentence must be twenty-six words long, be grammatical, and make sense. Here are a couple of examples: Any bold, clever, daring explorer faces great hurdles, including jealous kings, lying mariners, native occupants, pusillanimous queens, really sneaky tyrants, usually vying with xenophobic young zealots. A boisterous clown does every foolish game: hurling icicles, juggling kaleidoscopes, laughing maniacally, neglecting old pants, quickly revealing sparkling tight underwear, vamping while x-raying your zebra. Dmitri Borgmann offers more examples in his book Language on Vacation, including a doubled variation: Artistically assembled, bagpipes blow, creating cacophony; drums deliver, echoes ensuing; flutes follow, generating gentleness; harmonicas help, in instances; jew’s-harps join, keeping kosher; lutes lightly make music noteworthy; now, oboes outclassed, piccolos peep quite quickly; rebecs reply so softly; the tuba, used untiringly, varies vastly while, with xyloid xylophones, yammers ye zesty zither. The rat the cat the dog chased killed ate the malt. Make a sentence with multiple center embeddings. We usually have no problem putting one clause inside another in English. We can take "the rat ate the malt" and stick in more information to make "the rat the cat killed ate the malt." But the more clauses we add in, the harder it gets to understand the sentence. In this case, the rat ate the malt. After that it was killed by a cat. That cat had been chased by a dog. The grammar of the sentence is fine. The style, not so good. Anyone who feels that if so many more students whom we haven’t actually admitted are sitting in on the course than ones we have that the room had to be changed, then probably auditors will have to be excluded, is likely to agree that the curriculum needs revision. Another crazy center-embedded sentence. Can you figure it out? Start with "anyone who feels X is likely to agree." Then go to "anyone who feels if X then Y is likely to agree." Then fill out the X and Y. You might need a pencil and paper. Yes, the English language can be weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though. ============ Adjectives in English absolutely have to be in this order: opinion-size-age-shape-color-origin-material-purpose Noun. So you can have a lovely little old rectangular green French silver whittling knife. But if you mess with that work order in the slightest you’ll sound like a maniac. It’s an odd thing that every English speaker uses that list, but almost none of us could write it out. And as size comes before color, green great dragons can’t exist. ============ “I never said she stole my money” This sentence has 7 words, and 7 different meaning depending on the stressed word. 1) “I never said she stole my money”  (someone else did) 2) “I never said she stole my money”  (I would never rat her out like that) 3) “I never said she stole my money”  (I merely IMPLIED that she stole my money) 4) “I never said she stole my money”  (I just said SOMEONE stole my money and never pointed any fingers) 5) “I never said she stole my money”  (She’s just taking a buggerdly long time about paying back that loan) 6) “I never said she stole my money”  (She stole money, sure, but I’ve got no idea who’s money it was) 7) “I never said she stole my money”  (But I’m pretty sure I had nuclear missle launch codes on my person because I am an idiot, and now she’s standing next to the launch controls with a shit-eating grin on her face and I’m REALLY a moron. But I’m still a wealthy moron, so that’s okay) ============ The English language is, quite possibly, one of the strangest languages out there. Contradicting rules, incredibly unique words, and confusing idioms are just a few reasons why. Do you suffer from abibliophobia? Do you bloviate and carry a bumbershoot with you while you lollygag? Let’s find out in today’s blog that explores some of the craziest words in our living language. Craziest Words: Stop Being A Nincompoop and Learn A Little Shakespeare is known for creating some “crazy” words, but most of those words are now so common that we don’t notice. These words range from “hurry” to “zany” and in the 1400s they were quite strange. Today, we are going to delve into some of the craziest words, many of which have been around about as long as some of Shakespeare’s “gibberish” and some from the early 1940s and 1950s. Some of these words are used regularly in many places around the English-speaking world, whereas other places haven’t even heard of them. Let’s see which of these craziest words you already know and which ones are new to you: Bumfuzzle. This is a simple term that refers to being confused, perplexed, or flustered or to cause confusion. You’ve probably heard your grandma or grandpa use this phrase, especially if they are from the East Coast or below the Mason-Dixon Line. This word is derived from the Old English dumfoozle. Cattywampus. This is a term that you will find in the Midland and Southern United States. It is referring to something that is in disarray, that is askew, or something that isn’t directly across from something. For example, a post office might be cattywampus from the library. You might actually know this word by the terms catty-corner, kitty-corner, or catawampus. Gardyloo. This is actually a Scottish term, but it sounds really nifty! The definition is a funny and gross one; this is what people living in Edinburgh shouted out their windows as a warning before dumping their slop buckets out of their windows. At least they gave a little bit of a warning to those below! Taradiddle. This word references someone or something that is filled with pretentious nonsense or something that is a lie. A great example of this is that classic fisherman’s tale of how big the fish he caught was. Usually the fisherman is lying or at least exaggerating about the fish, especially if he (or she) didn’t keep the fish. Snickersnee. While this word sounds like something funny or possibly cute, it is actually referring to a long, dangerous knife. It was first used in reference to cut-and-thrust fighting in the 1700s and is still occasionally used when referencing the knife, though it is becoming more and more obsolete. Widdershins. This is another way to say something is moving counter-clockwise or something is moving in the wrong direction. It is a much more fun way to say counter-clockwise and is most likely something you heard one of your grandparents or great-grandparents say. Many people do still use it in many poems and newly published books. Collywobbles. This refers to a weird feeling in your stomach or an overall bellyache. It is derived from the Latin phrase cholera morbus, meaning it came from the disease we all know as cholera. This is a word many people still use especially older individuals, and the background is quite dark! Many don’t realize the dark background much like many being unaware of the origins of “Ring around the Rosie.” Gubbins. This is an object that has little or no value and is also referring to a gadget or device. It can also refer to odds and ends or rubbish and, oddly enough, can be used to describe a silly person. We don’t know about you, but it seems a little strange that a word describing something with little to no value also refers to someone who is silly. Abibliophobia. Now this is a word that perfectly describes many people and you may be one! This refers to someone who is afraid of running out of things to read. We’re guessing that you are probably going to start using this word to describe yourself as you head out the door to the nearest Barnes and Noble or local bookshop. Bumbershoot. Here is a fun word that most people know. This is referring to an umbrella and is something we have heard in many a Disney film or in many different books. It is quite fun to grab your umbrella and say in a fun voice, “I think I need my bumbershoot today!” Lollygag. The origin of this word is unknown, but it first surfaced around 1868. The definition of “lollygag” is someone who is messing around or wasting time. It also refers to someone who is doing something that isn’t serious or useful. This could be a good word to use when procrastinating, “I’m just lollygagging.” Are you a lollygagger? Flibbertigibbet. This is another fun word! This refers to someone who is silly and who talks incessantly. The first known usage of this word is the 15th century and used to be spelled flepergebet. This word also refers to a person who is flighty. Malarkey. This refers to words that are insincere and talk that is particularly foolish. This is a word that we can thank the 1920s and 19030s for and it is still used by many people. It is a fun word to say, as well. Pandiculation. This is what happens when you wake up in the morning and stretch. As you stretch, your muscles might go rigid for a short time, which can sometimes be uncomfortable. It also describes that wonderful, or terrible, combination of being extremely sleepy, stretching and yawning at the same time. Now, when this happens to you, you’ll know what to call it! Sialoquent. Do you remember being the eager student in high school or college who sat on the front row? Do you remember how much the professor spit while talking? Well, this is what that action is called. This is such an eloquent word for such an uncomfortable front row sensation. Wabbit. No, this isn’t referring to a wascally wabbit. It is a Scottish term for being exhausted. Next time you’re tired, try saying, “I’m pretty wabbit at the moment” and see just how many people look at you strange. Snollygoster. This is something many people already call many politicians, but it happens to be a nicer sounding term. This refers to a politician who does or says things for their own personal advancement instead of following their own principles. Try saying this in your next political discussion and see people’s reaction. Erinaceous. This is a strange one; it refers to something or someone who resembles a hedgehog. If someone ever says that you are looking quite erinaceous today, you know now to give them a penetrating, evil glare. Bibble. You know those people in your favorite restaurant who drink and/or eat noisily? What they are doing is referred to as bibble. Impignorate. How about using this word when you want to say that you’re pawning something? It is a much fancier term and quite a fun one at that. This phrase doesn’t only mean to pawn but also to mortgage something. Nudiustertian. Have you ever wished that you had a word for the day before yesterday? This is that word! It might be a little bit more convoluted to say, but it sure is an interesting sounding word. This word is sure to confuse, and eventually astound, people. Now that you know this word, try teaching it to your friends! Quire. You can always say “two dozen sheets of paper” or you can say “quire.” It means the same thing! Interesting, huh? There are quite a few single words for many phrases. Ratoon. Don’t worry, this isn’t referring to a raccoon and rat mix breed or an ROUS (rodents of unusual size), it is, in fact, referring to that small shoot or growth that comes from the root of a plant. You will see a lot of these in the spring and summer as things are growing. Yarborough. This refers to when you are playing a game of cards and the dealer deals a hand without any numbers above nine. This can really be unfortunate or great, depending on which game you are playing. Xertz. You’re outside in the summer heat moving heavy furniture or other items, making you super thirsty. As soon as you’re able, you grab a tall glass of water, lemonade, or iced tea and gulp it down quickly and/or greedily, helping to quench your thirst and cool yourself down. When you do this, it is called xertz. This also refers to eating food quickly and/or greedily. Zoanthropy. This is an interesting term! It refers to a person who has delusions that they are a form of animal or that they have changed into an animal. Pauciloquent. If you are a person of few words, then this is the term for you. It refers to someone who doesn’t say much or who, when giving a speech, gives a very short one. This is a great way for you to tell people you are a person of few words, without having to say that whole long statement. Give this a try next time and see what happens. Bloviate. This is the opposite of pauciloquent and refers to people who talk for a long period of time or who inflate their story to make themselves sound better. This also refers to someone whose words are empty and have no meaning. Borborygm. You know that rumbling you sometimes get in your stomach? Well, this is one term for that sensation! It might be a little bit more difficult to say than saying, “I’m hungry,” though. Brouhaha. This is a word we are sure many people have heard and it is still used a lot today. This refers to an uproar or big event. We guess you could say the latest sports team to win at something sure did cause a brouhaha! Absquatulate. This refers to yourself or someone else leaving suddenly. It can also mean that someone has absconded with something, as well. It is more a form of slang, but it isn’t something you hear every day! Comeuppance. This is definitely a word you probably heard your grandparents use at some point and it is used in many films set in the 1920s to the 1950s or 60s. This is a fun word and it should be used more than it is. It means that someone will get what they deserve or will “get their just desserts.” Donnybrook. This is a fun little word for an uprising, a melee, or a riot. It can also refer to an argument. If you search Google for this particular term, you will not only find the definition but also learn that it is a place called Donnybrook, which is part of Dublin, Ireland. Very interesting! Nincompoop. This is another word that we are sure you have heard at some point and you probably know the definition. This refers to someone who is silly, foolish, or just downright stupid. It was used regularly in the 1950s and 60s but is still quite a fun word to say! Woebegon: Another terrific adjective. Can you guess what a woebegone person looks like? It’s easy to break this word into two parts – woe (extreme sadness) and begone (an old-fashioned word that means surrounded by something). So, woebegone means “surrounded by sadness.” It comes from Middle English, English that was used during the Middle Ages. The next time your friend looks sad, you can ask them, “Why do you look so woebegone?” Frankenfood: Very new when compared to all the others on the list, the word Frankenfood (noun) came into existence in the 1990’s. It’s used informally for genetically modified (GM) foods. GM foods are those that have been scientifically altered in some way, that haven’t grown naturally. Frankenfood is a combination of the words Frankenstein and food. Frankenstein is a story about a scientist, Dr. Frankenstein, who creates a monster in his laboratory. You might hear people say, for example, “I’m not eating there! They use Frankenfoods!” Lackadaisical: How about if you want to describe that someone’s lazy and has no enthusiasm or determination? Lackadaisical (adjective) would be perfect in this situation! It’s been in use since the 1700’s, although where it came from isn’t clear. For example, “My sister has no job and is doing nothing to find one. She is so lackadaisical.” Kerfuffle (kəˈfʌf(ə)l) Kerfuffle (noun) has been around since the early 1800s. There are two ideas as to how it came into English. It probably came from either Scottish Gaelic or from Celtic Irish, the languages that were used historically in Scotland and Ireland. If somebody asked you the following question, would you know what they meant? “What’s all the shouting for? Why are you making such a kerfuffle?” It means to make a fuss or a bother, usually when people have different points of view. Imagine two of your friends having a minor disagreement over something and making quite a bit of noise – doesn’t kerfuffle sound like a great way to describe the situation? They might also be making a hullaballoo too… Hullaballoo (ˌhʌl.ə.bəˈluː) “Did you hear all that hullaballoo in the office today?” A word that really sounds like what it means, hullaballoo (noun) is the loud noises and shouting that people make when they’re angry. It’s been part of the English language since the middle of the 18th century. Cacophony (kəˈkɒf(ə)ni) Another word related to noise, a cacophony (noun) is a mixture of horrible sounds. Imagine birds screeching, alarm bells ringing and babies screaming…and you’ve got yourself a cacophony! You may already know that words that end in phone or phony are related to sound in some way. Cacophony comes from a Greek word made up from kacos (bad) and phone (sound). It entered English in the mid 1600’s. Ragamuffin (ˈraɡəmʌfɪn) Ragamuffin (noun) comes from the English that was used during the Middle Ages. You’ve probably heard the word rag, right? A dirty and scruffy piece of old cloth. So it’ll make sense to know that a ragamuffin is a person who wears dirty and scruffy clothes – clothes that are just like rags! It’s usually used for children, and you may also sometimes hear it used to describe scruffy-looking animals. The next time you hear someone say, “I send my children to school dressed smartly, and they come home like little ragamuffins!” You’ll know exactly what they mean! Whippersnapper (ˈwɪpəsnapə) Nothing to do with whips or snaps, say whippersnapper (noun) quickly and you’ll create a funny and harsh sound! Although this term is a little bit old-fashioned today, it’ll certainly make people smile if you use it. It’s been part of the English language since the 17th century and is a mixture of two terms. One referred to a lazy person who had no ambitions. The other term was used for young people who lived on the street and did bad things, like stealing and tricking people. The meaning has changed over the years, and today it’s used for a young person who’s too confident and perhaps a little cheeky! It’s a perfect word to use for an inquisitive child who just can’t stop questioning and correcting their parents! Would you giggle if you heard this conversation? Mother: “Come here, please” Child: “No, I’m busy” Mother: “I asked you to please come here” Child: “No. Dad said when people are busy you shouldn’t disturb them. So please leave me alone!” Mother: “Well, you little whippersnapper!” Gobbledygook (ˈɡɒb(ə)ldɪˌɡuːk) Close your eyes for a second and think of a turkey. What sound does it make? Does it sound something like “gobble, gobble, gobble”? That’s exactly where this word came from! Created from the meaningless sound that turkeys make, gobbledygook (noun) was originally an American English word. It was created in the 1940’s to mean words that are nonsense or have no meaning. It also describes when people use too many technical words and so other people can’t understand what they’e saying. “The Director was talking a load of gobbledygook in that meeting. I have no idea what he wants!” Gibberish (ˈdʒɪb(ə)rɪʃ) If someone is talking gobbledegook they’ll also be talking gibberish! Gibberish (noun) means the same: nonsense words and phrases that sound like English but have little meaning. Gibberish is an older term than gobbledegook. It’s been in use since the mid 16th century. It’s not known where the word came from, but many people believe it was taken from either a similar Spanish or Swedish word. Make sure you practice your English – you don’t want to talk gobbledegook and gibberish! Poppycock (ˈpɒpɪkɒk) Have you ever listened to somebody trying to talk about something that they know absolutely nothing about? Like, you know that what they’re saying is completely untrue, yet they insist on continuing to talk? Or where someone has told you some so-called facts that are totally wrong? It’s highly likely that they’re talking poppycock! No laughing! Poppycock has nothing to do with poppies (a type of flower) or cocks (a male bird and a slang term for a man’s intimate body parts!) Poppycock actually came from the Dutch word pappekak, which is made from pap (soft) and kak (poop!). It’s been part of English since the 1800’s. A: “Hey, did you know that if you keep your eyes open when you sneeze your eyes will fly out?” B: “What a load of poppycock!” Discombobulate (ˌdɪskəmˈbɒbjʊleɪt) Mainly used in North American English, if somebody’s talking lots of gibberish, gobbledegook, and poppycock, they may be trying to discombobulate (verb) another person. You may feel a little discombobulated (adjective) by all these strange words! Confused? You should be! Discombobulate means to confuse! It’s been used since the mid 19th century, and is mainly used in a funny way. “What’s the matter? You look a little discombobulated!” Flummox (ˈflʌməks) If you’re now feeling very discombobulated you are also flummoxed (adjective)! To flummox a person (verb) means to confuse them a lot. It came into the English language in the middle of the 19th century. It was taken from dialects used in some parts of the UK. Curmudgeon (kəːˈmʌdʒ(ə)n) Are you trying to find just the right word for someone who’s very bad-tempered and grumpy? Curmudgeon (noun) might be just the word that you’re looking for! Dating back to at least the 16th century, this word has been used for a long time. If you hear someone say, “I don’t like our English teacher … he is a real curmudgeon!”, you can agree (or hopefully disagree!) and know what it means. ============ English Language Oddities Many cultures find that English might possibly be one of the most difficult languages to learn. Not, in fact, for its words, but for the fact that it has so many unusual and contradictory rules. Just looking over an English study book will tell you that so many odd ifs and buts apply to so many words that it is enough to drive one crazy. Here are 25 examples of the oddities in the English language. 25. “Rhythms” is the longest English word without the normal vowels, a, e, i, o, or u. 24. Excluding derivatives, there are only two words in English that end -shion and (though many words end in this sound). These are cushion and fashion. 23. “THEREIN” is a seven-letter word that contains thirteen words spelled using consecutive letters: the, he, her, er, here, I, there, ere, rein, re, in, therein, and herein. 22. There is only one common word in English that has five vowels in a row: queueing. 21. Soupspoons is the longest word that consists entirely of letters from the second half of alphabet. 20. “Almost” is the longest commonly used word in the English language with all the letters in alphabetical order. 19. The longest uncommon word whose letters are in alphabetical order is the eight-letter Aegilops (a grass genus). 18. The longest common single-word palindromes are deified, racecar, repaper, reviver, and rotator. 17. “One thousand” contains the letter A, but none of the words from one to nine hundred ninety-nine has an A. 16. “The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick” is said to be the toughest tongue twister in English. 15. Cwm (pronounced “koom”, defined as a steep-walled hollow on a hillside) is a rare case of a word used in English in which w is the nucleus vowel, as is crwth (pronounced “krooth”, a type of stringed instrument). Despite their origins in Welsh, they are accepted English words. 14. “Asthma” and “isthmi” are the only six-letter words that begin and end with a vowel and have no other vowels between. 13. The nine-word sequence I, in, sin, sing, sting, string, staring, starting (or starling), startling can be formed by successively adding one letter to the previous word. 12. “Underground” and “underfund” are the only words in the English language that begin and end with the letters “und.” 11. “Stewardesses” is the longest word that can be typed with only the left hand. 10. Antidisestablishmentarianism listed in the Oxford English Dictionary, was considered the longest English word for quite a long time, but today the medical term pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis is usually considered to have the title, despite the fact that it was coined to provide an answer to the question ‘What is the longest English word?’. 9. “Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt”. 8. There are many words that feature all five regular vowels in alphabetical order, the commonest being abstemious, adventitious, facetious. 7. The superlatively long word honorificabilitudinitatibus (27 letters) alternates consonants and vowels. 6. “Fickleheaded” and “fiddledeedee” are the longest words consisting only of letters in the first half of the alphabet. 5. The two longest words with only one of the six vowels including y are the 15-letter defenselessness and respectlessness. 4. “Forty” is the only number which has its letters in alphabetical order. “One” is the only number with its letters in reverse alphabetical order. 3. Bookkeeper is the only word that has three consecutive doubled letters. 2. Despite the assertions of a well-known puzzle, modern English does not have three common words ending in -gry. Angry and hungry are the only ones. 1. “Ough” can be pronounced in eight different ways. The following sentence contains them all: “A rough-coated, dough-faced ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough, coughing and hiccoughing thoughtfully. 0. “Queue” is a 5-letter word where you only pronounce the first letter. ============ We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes. One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of moose should never be meese. You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of house is houses, not hice. If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen? If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet? If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth? We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim. ============ Punctuation is powerful An English professor wrote the words : "A woman without her man is nothing" on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly. All of the males in the class wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing." All the females in the class wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing." ============ The rules of cricket explained below, I forget who originally wrote it though :/ You have two sides, one out in the field and one in. Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out. When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out. When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in. There are two men called umpires who stay out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out. When both sides have been in and all the men have been out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game. =========== Did you know that enneacontakaienneagon is actually a word in the English language? (And you thought pronouncing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious was difficult?). In fact, the meaning of the word is just as bizarre as the word itself: it’s a shape with ninety-nine sides. “I am” is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. A pangram sentence is one that contains every letter in the language. For example, the sentence “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog” is a pangram. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious- This extra long word (that approximately means “fantastic”) was popularized by the movie Mary Poppins and was eventually added to the dictionary. What you probably didn’t know is that there is a word that is longer—yes longer—than this one. Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis is a type of lung disease caused by inhaling ash and dust. Go ahead and try pronouncing that! There are “ghost words” that mean nothing. Believe it or not, there are some words that appeared in the dictionary because of printing errors. The nonexistent word “dord” appeared in the dictionary for eight years in the mid-20th century. It became known as a “ghost word.” Medieval manuscripts reveal that some of the oldest words in English are “I,” “we,” “two,” and “three.” This makes “I” one of the shortest and oldest words in the English language. It is also the most commonly used word in English conversations. A new word is added to the dictionary every two hours. Between now and your next meal, a new word will be put into the dictionary. During the course of the year, almost 4,000 new words are added! So, the next time you try to catch the attention of the dissertation committee, try adding some new words to your project. There’s a name for words that we repeat often. Words we always use even though they add no meaning or value to a sentence are called crutch words. For example, in the sentence “Then I was like, OMG, then like, he went there, and like…” it is pretty obvious that “like” is the crutch word. “Actually,” “honestly,” and “basically” are also commonly used as crutch words. Swims will be swims even when turned upside down. Such words are called ambigrams. English is the language of the air This means that all pilots have to identify themselves and speak in English while flying, regardless of their origin. The word “girl” was not initially used to refer to a specific gender. It used to mean “child” or “young person” regardless of the gender. ============ • Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it? • Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak? • How come abbreviated is such a long word? • If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? • Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead? • Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers? • Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts? • In what other language do people drive in a parkway and park in a driveway? • In what other language do people play at a recital and recite at a play? • Why does night fall but never break and day break but never fall? • Why is it that when we transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when we transport something by ship, it's called cargo? • Why does a man get a hernia and a woman a hysterectomy? • Why do we pack suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase? • Why do privates eat in the general mess and generals eat in the private mess? • Why do we call it newsprint when it contains no printing but when we put print on it, we call it a newspaper? • Why are people who ride motorcycles called bikers and people who ride bikes called cyclists? • Why -- in our crazy language -- can your nose run and your feet smell? • In what other language do they call the third hand on the clock the second hand? • Why do they call them apartments when they're all together? • Why it is called a TV set when you get only one? • Why is phonetic not spelled phonetically? • Why is it so hard to remember how to spell mnemonic? • Why doesn't onomatopoeia sound like what it is? • Why is the word abbreviation so long? • Why is diminutive so undiminutive? • Why does the word monosyllabic consist of five syllables? • Why is there no synonym for synonym or thesaurus? • And why, pray tell, does lisp have an s in it? • Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together? • Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is? • Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is? • Why does sour cream have an expiration date? • Who is general failure and why is he reading my disk? • The light went out, but where to? • Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have? • Does the reverse side also have a reverse side? • Why is the alphabet in that order? • If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into? • If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money? • What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way? • If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it? • Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? • When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!! • Do fish get cramps after eating? • Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosylabic"? • Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors? • Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new? • If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? • When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go? • Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door? • Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it. • How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him? • If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress? • Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons? • How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it? • Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of? • Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it? • Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? • Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase? • Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? • What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious? • Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? • If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? • Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent? • Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate? • Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer? • I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. • If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working? • Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse? • Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking? • Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut? • War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left. • If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? • If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes? • "When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? • Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? • Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? • If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible? • Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one? • Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist? • If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? • Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns? • If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? • When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? • Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? • Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with. • If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philips Screwdriver? • Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a "whack"? • "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? • If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? • Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"? • Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you that a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure. • Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE • OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans? • If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it? • If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? • Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? • If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? • Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist? • Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? • If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? • If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? • Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? ============ An interpreter's advice to the teacher In promulgating your esoteric cogitations, or articulating your superficial sentimentalities and amicable, philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity. Let your conversational communications possess a clarified conciseness, a compacted comprehensibleness, coalescent consistency, and a concatenated cogency. Eschew all conglomerations of flatulent garrulity, jejune babblement, and asinine affectations. Let your extemporaneous descantings and unpremeditated expatiations have intelligibility and veracious vivacity, without rodomontade or thrasonical bombast. Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolixity, psittaceous vacuity ventriloquial verbosity, and vaniloquent vapidity. Shun double-entendres, prurient jocosity, and pestiferous profanity, obscurant or apparent!! And, don't teach with big words! ============ If GH can stand for P, as in "Hiccough", If OUGH stands for O, as in "Dough"; if PHTH stands for T, as in "Phthisis"; if EIGH stands for A, as in "Neighbour"; f TTE stands for T, as in "Gazette"; if EAU stands for O, as in "Plateau"; Then, the right way to spell POTATO should be: GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU ============ The Importance Of Correct Punctuation, Games Magazine (1984) Dear John: I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours? Gloria OR Dear John: I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be? Yours, Gloria ============ Fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing. Flammable and inflammable mean the same thing. There is a whole collection of words called "Janus-faced" or "contronym" words. Examples: (source "Crazy English" by Richard Lederer) WITH: a) alongside b) against a) England fought with France against Germany. b) England fought with France. CLIP: a) fasten b) separate a) Clip the coupon to the newspaper b) Clip the coupon from the newspaper FAST: a) firmly in one place b) rapidly from on place to another a) The pegs held the test fast. b) She ran fast. BOLT: a) to secure in place b) to dart away a) I'll bolt the door. b) Did you see the horse bolt? TRIM: a) add things to b) cut away a) Let's trim the Christmas tree. b) Let's trim the hedge. DUST: a) remove material from b) spread material on a) Three times a week they dust the floor. b) Three times each season they dust the crops. WEATHER: a) withstand b) wear away a) Strong ships weather storms. b) Wind can weather rocks. HANDICAP: a) advantage b) disadvantage a) What's your handicap in golf? b) His lack of education is a handicap. COMMENCEMENT: a) beginning b) conclusion a) Beautiful weather marked the commencement of spring. b) She won an award at her high school commencement. HOLD UP: a) support b) hinder a) Please hold up the sagging branch. b) Accidents hold up the flow of traffic. KEEP UP: a) continue to fall b) continue to stay up a) The farmers hope that the rain will keep up. b) Damocles hoped that the sword above his head would keep up. LEFT: a) departed from b) remaining a) Ten people left the room b) Five people were left in the room. DRESS: a) put items on b) remove items from a) Let's dress for the ball b) Let's dress the chicken for cooking TEMPER: a) soften b) strengthen a) You must temper your anger with reason. b) Factories temper steel with additives. CLEAVE: a) separate b) adhere firmly a) A strong blow will cleave a plank in two. b) Bits of metal cleave to a magnet. STRIKE: a) secure in place b) remove a) Use a firm grip to strike the nail. b) When the show is over, we'll strike the set. GIVE OUT: a) produce b) stop producing a) A good furnace will give out enough energy to heat the house. b) A broken furnace will often give out. SANCTION: a) give approval of b) censure a) The NCAA plans to sanction the event b) Should our country impose a new sanction on Libya? SCREEN: a) view b) hide from view a) Tonight the critics will screen the film. b) Defensemen mustn't screen the puck. OVERSIGHT: a) careful supervision b) neglect a) The foreman was responsible for the oversight of the project. b) The foreman's oversight ruined the success of the project. QUALIFIED: a) competent b) limited a) The candidate for the job was fully qualified. b) The dance was a qualified success. MOOT: a) debatable b) not worthy of debate a) Capital punishment is a moot point. b) That the earth revolves around the sun is a moot point. CERTAIN: a) definite b) difficult to specify a) I am certain about what I want in life. b) I have a certain feeling about the plan. MORTAL: a) deadly b) subject to death a) The knight delivered a mortal blow. b) All humans are mortal. BUCKLE: a) fasten together b) fall apart a) Safe drivers buckle their sear belts. b) Unsafe buildings buckle at the slightest tremor of the earth. TRIP: a) to stumble b) to move gracefully a) Don't trip on the curb. b) Let's trip the light fantastic. PUT OUT: a) generate b) extinguish a) The candle put out enough light for us to see. b) Before I went to bed, I put out the candle. UNBENDING: a) rigid b) relaxing a) On the job Smith is completely unbending. b) Relaxing on the beach is a good way of unbending. WEAR: a) endure through use b) decay through use a) This suit will wear like iron. b) Water can cause mountains to wear. SCAN: a) examine carefully b) glance at hastily a) I scan the poem. b) Each day, I scan the want ads. FIX: a) restore b) remove part of a) It's time to fix the fence. b) It's time to fix the bull. SEEDED: a) with seeds b) without seeds a) The rain nourished the seeded field. b) Would you like some seeded raisins? CRITICAL: a) opposed b) essential to a) Joanne is critical of our effort b) Joanne is critical to our effort. THINK BETTER: a) admire more b) be suspicious of a) I think better of the first proposal than the second. b) If I were you, I'd think better of that proposal. TAKE: a) obtain b) offer a) Professional photographers take good pictures. b) Professional models take good pictures. IMPREGNABLE: a) invulnerable to penetration b) able to be impregnated a) The castle was so strongly built that it was impregnable. b) Treatments exist for making a childless woman more impregnable. BELOW PAR: a) excellent b) poor a) Her below par score won the golf tournament. b) I'm disappointed in you below par performance on the spelling test. CHUFFED: a) delighted; pleased; satisfied b) annoyed; displeased; disgruntled a) She was chuffed with her win b) He was chuffed with his loss EGREGIOUS: a) outstandingly bad; shocking b) remarkably good a) The quality of the presentation was so bad it was egregious b) I’m happy the results of the project were so egregious NONPLUSSED: a) surprised and confused so much that they are unsure how to react b) Unperturbed a) The response was so shocking that she was nonplussed b) She handled the change so well in that she was totally nonplussed PERUSE: a) to look at or read (something) in an informal or relaxed way b) to examine or read (something) in a very careful way a) He was bored so he just perused the magazines b) She had to get this right, so she spend all night perusing the paper to make sure it was right DOWN HILL: a) adverse b) easy a) When the source of the capital dried up, the fortunes of the corporation went down hill. b) After you switch to diet drinks, it will be all down hill for your weight-loss program. WIND UP: a) start b) end a) I have to wind up my watch. b) Now I have to wind up this discussion of curious and contrary contronyms. - Stan Niles ============ Funny Signs, Funny Quotes, and Graffiti • Sign on a desk: INCONTINENCE HOTLINE - CAN YOU HOLD PLEASE. (Thanks BC) • We aim to please, you aim too please. (Sign above a urinal.) • Antidisestablishmentarianism - easier done than said. • There are 10 types of people in this world - those who understand binary, and those who don't. • There are three sorts of people in the world, those who can count and those who can't. • Man who stands on toilet, is high on pot. • Five out of four people can't do fractions. • I am neither for nor against apathy. (On the wall above a urinal in a men's WC at a university at the height of US social unrest in the 1960's.) • Beware of a man with a gleam in his eyes - it may just be the sun shining through the hole in his head. (Women's washroom graffiti.) • The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breastplate open. (Graffiti in a women's washroom.) • To do is to be - Descartes, To be is to do - Voltaire, Do be do be do - Sinatra. • "God is dead" - Nietzsche. "Nietzsche is dead" - God. • Express Lane: Five beers or less. (Sign above a urinal.) • You're too good for him. (Sign above a women's washroom mirror.) • No wonder you always go home alone. (Sign above a men's washroom mirror.) • A woman's rule of thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. (Sign in a women's washroom.) • Beauty is only a light switch away. • At the feast of ego everyone leaves hungry. • If voting could really change things it would be illegal. • Temporary notice on a public bar - "Our public bar is presently not open because it is closed." • Sign outside a pub: "Liquor in the front - Poker round the back." • And the old favorite found in Gents toilets the world over, commonly added to any sign instructing visitors: Please do not throw cigarettes in the urinal... "... Because it makes them difficult to light..." • Dead People's Things For Sale. (Sign outside an antiques shop) • Unattended Children will be given an Expresso and a Free Puppy (Sign in a gift shop window) • On a Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're #1 in the #2 business." • Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." • At a Proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit please back in." • On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." • On a Plumbers truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." • Pizza Shop Slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak." • At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout." • On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?" • At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." • On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." • In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." • On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push." • At an Optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." • On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." • In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." • On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive." • At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment." • Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming." • In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" • At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be." • In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up. • In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait." • At a Propane Filling Station: "Tank heaven for little grills." • At a Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak. ============ HOW TO WRITE GOOD • Avoid alliteration. Always. • Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. • Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.) • Employ the vernacular. • Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. • Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary. • It is wrong to ever split an infinitive. • Contractions aren't necessary. • Foreign words and phrases are not apropos. • One should never generalize. • Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know." • Comparisons are as bad as cliches. • Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous. • Be more or less specific. • Understatement is always best. • One-word sentences? Eliminate. • Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake. • The passive voice is to be avoided. • Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms. • Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed. • Who needs rhetorical questions? • Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement. A paraprosdokian (from Greek "παρα-", meaning "beyond" and "προσδοκία", meaning "expectation") is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists. An especially clever paraprosdokian not only changes the meaning of an early phrase, but also plays on the double meaning of a particular word, creating a syllepsis. Examples • "If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate." — Henry J. Tillman[1] • "I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat." — Will Rogers[2][3] • "She got her good looks from her father, he's a plastic surgeon." — Groucho Marx • "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it." — Groucho Marx • "One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know." — Groucho Marx • "Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." — Groucho Marx • "Growing up, I didn't have any imaginary friends. They came later." — Shmuel Breban • "I want to die like my father, quietly, in his sleep—not screaming and terrified like his passengers." — Bob Monkhouse[4] • "I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too." — Mitch Hedberg • "I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long." — Mitch Hedberg • "I like going to the park and watching the children run and jump around, because you see, they don't know I'm using blanks." — Emo Philips • "When I was 10 I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage." — Emo Philips • "If I could say a few words, I would be a better public speaker." — Homer Simpson[5] • "If I am reading this graph correctly, I would be very surprised." — Stephen Colbert[6] • "Mark my words. No, Mark, I really need my words." — Stephen Colbert • "If all the girls at Vassar were laid end to end, I wouldn't be surprised." — Dorothy Parker • "I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out." — Bill Hicks • "It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs." — Jack Handey • "I blew a speaker in my car the other day. Yeah, I think he was a... motivational speaker. It left a bad taste in my mouth but I feel a lot more positive." — Doug Stanhope • "Where there's a will, I want to be in it." • "The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list." • "Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak." • "If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong." • "We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public." • "War does not determine who is right--only who is left." • "Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad." • "To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research." • "I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you." • "In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'" • "Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy." • "You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice." • "I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure." • "To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target." • "Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car." • "You're never too old to learn something stupid." • "I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now." ============================================= In the rigid expressions that wear tonal grooves in the record of our language, beck can appear only with call, cranny with nook, hue with cry, main with might, fettle only with fine, aback with taken, caboodle with kit, and spick and span only with each other. Why must all shrifts be short, all lucre filthy, all bystanders innocent, and all bedfellows strange? I'm convinced that some shrifts are lengthy and that some lucre is squeaky clean, and I've certainly met guilty bystanders and perfectly normal bedfellows. Why is it that only swoops are fell? Sure, the verbivorous William Shakespeare invented the expression "one fell swoop," but why can't strokes, swings, acts, and the like also be fell? Why are we allowed to vent our spleens but never our kidneys or livers? Why must it be only our minds that are boggled and never our eyes or our hearts? Why can't eyes and jars be ajar, as well as doors? Why must aspersions always be cast and never hurled or lobbed? Doesn't it seem just a little wifty that we can make amends but never just one amend; that no matter how carefully we comb through the annals of history, we can never discover just one annal; that we can never pull a shenanigan, be in a doldrum, eat an egg Benedict, or get just one jitter, a willy, a delirium tremen, or a heebie-jeebie. Why, sifting through the wreckage of a disaster, can we never find just one smithereen? Indeed, this whole business of plurals that don't have matching singulars reminds me to ask this burning question, one that has puzzled scholars for decades: If you have a bunch of odds and ends and you get rid of or sell off all but one of them, what do you call that doohickey with which you're left? What do you make of the fact that we can talk about certain things and ideas only when they are absent? Once they appear, our blessed English doesn't allow us to describe them. Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, sheveled, gruntled, chalant, plussed, ruly, gainly, maculate, pecunious, or peccable? Have you ever met a sung hero or experienced requited love? I know people who are no spring chickens, but where, pray tell, are the people who are spring chickens? Where are the people who actually would hurt a fly? All the time I meet people who are great shakes, who can cut the mustard, who can fight City Hall, who are my cup of tea, who would lift a finger to help, who would give you the time of day, and whom I would touch with a ten-foot pole, but I can't talk about them in English -- and that is a laughing matter. If the truth be told, all languages are a little crazy. As Walt Whitman might proclaim, they contradict themselves. That's because language is invented, not discovered, by boys and girls and men and women, not computers. As such, language reflects the creative and fearful asymmetry of the human race, which, of course, isn't really a race at all. That's why we wear a pair of pants but, except on very cold days, not a pair of shirts. That's why men wear a bathing suit and bathing trunks at the same time. That's why brassiere is singular but panties is plural. That's why there's a team in Toronto called the Maple Leafs and another in Minnesota called the Timberwolves. That's why six, seven, eight, and nine change to sixty, seventy, eighty, and ninety, but two, three, four, and five do not become twoty, threety, fourty, and fivety. That's why first-degree murder is more serious than third-degree murder but a third-degree burn is more serious than a first-degree burn. That's why we can open up the floor, climb the walls, raise the roof, pick up the house, and bring down the house. In his essay "The Awful German Language," Mark Twain spoofs the confusion engendered by German gender by translating literally from a conversation in a German Sunday school book: "Gretchen. Wilhelm, where is the turnip? Wilhelm. She has gone to the kitchen. Gretchen. Where is the accomplished and beautiful English maiden? Wilhelm. It has gone to the opera." Twain continues: "A tree is male, its buds are female, its leaves are neuter; horses are sexless, dogs are male, cats are female -- tomcats included." Still, you have to marvel at the unique lunacy of the English language, in which you can turn a light on and you can turn a light off and you can turn a light out, but you can't turn a light in; in which the sun comes up and goes down, but prices go up and come down -- a gloriously wiggy tongue in which your house can simultaneously burn up and burn down and your car can slow up and slow down, in which you fill in a form by filling out a form, in which your alarm clock goes off by going on, in which you are inoculated for measles by being inoculated against measles, in which you add up a column of figures by adding them down, and in which you first chop a tree down -- and then you chop it up. ============ There is a two-letter word that has perhaps more meanings than any other two-letter English word, and that is the word "UP." It's easy to understand "UP" as meaning "toward the sky" or "moving to the top" of something, but why do we wake UP in the morning (just before we get UP)? At a meeting, we must speak UP in order to bring UP a topic. Then it's UP to the secretary to write UP a report (unless she can think UP an excuse). We call UP our friends and ask them to come UP for dinner. For them, we brighten UP the room, and we polish UP the silver, hoping they've worked UP an appetite. We mess UP the kitchen cooking UP a meal and using towels to soak UP spills. Afterward, we have to clean UP, and the next day, we warm UP the leftovers. Sometimes, guys lock UP their house, line UP to buy parts, and then fix UP their old cars. Politicians stir UP trouble, especially when they're UP for election. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is something special! A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. If your can of Drano is empty, it's all used UP. We open UP a store in the morning, but at night we close UP shop. If it looks like rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, some things get wet and may end UP being all rusted UP. But when it doesn't rain for a while, then everything dries UP. And in the winter, things can freeze UP! We seem to be pretty mixed UP about "UP"! If you want to know more about "UP," look it UP in the dictionary. It may take UP a fourth of the page, and can add UP to about thirty definitions! If you are UP to it, you might try building UP your own list of the many uses of "UP." It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with more than a hundred! I could go on and on, but my time is UP. I'm going to wrap it UP by shutting UP! Now—you can forward this note, or you can just delete it—it's UP to you! Ration never rhymes with nation, Say prefer, but preferable, Comfortable and vegetable. B must not be heard in doubt, Debt and dumb both leave it out. In the words psychology, Psychic, and psychiatry, You must never sound the p. Psychiatrist you call the man Who cures the complex, if he can. In architect ch is k In arch it is the other way. Please remember to say iron So that it'll rhyme with lion. Advertisers advertise, Advertisements will put you wise. Time when work is done is leisure, Fill it up with useful pleasure. Accidental, accident, Sound the g in ignorant. Relative, but relation, Then say creature, but creation. Say the a in gas quite short, Bought remember rhymes with thwart, Drought must always rhyme with bout, In daughter leave the g h out. Wear a boot upon your foot. Root can never rhyme with soot. In muscle, s and c is s, In muscular, it's s k, yes! Choir must always rhyme with wire, That again will rhyme with liar. Then remember it's address. With an accent like posses. G in sign must silent be, In signature, pronounce the g. Please remember, say towards Just as if it rhymed with boards. Weight's like wait, but not like height. Which should always rhyme with might. Sew is just the same as so, Tie a ribbon in a bow. When you meet the Queen you bow, Which again must rhyme with how. In perfect English make a start. Learn this little rhyme by heart. Dr. Gerard Nolst Trenité, 1870-1946 Dearest creature in creation, Study English pronunciation. I will teach you in my verse Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse. I will keep you, Suzy, busy, Make your head with heat grow dizzy. Tear in eye, your dress will tear. So shall I! Oh hear my prayer. Just compare heart, beard, and heard, Dies and diet, lord and word, Sword and sward, retain and Britain. (Mind the latter, how it's written.) Now I surely will not plague you With such words as plaque and ague. But be careful how you speak: Say break and steak, but bleak and streak; Cloven, oven, how and low, Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe. Hear me say, devoid of trickery, Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore, Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles, Exiles, similes, and reviles; Scholar, vicar, and cigar, Solar, mica, war and far; One, anemone, Balmoral, Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel; Gertrude, German, wind and mind, Scene, Melpomene, mankind. Billet does not rhyme with ballet, Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet. Blood and flood are not like food, Nor is mould like should and would. Viscous, viscount, load and broad, Toward, to forward, to reward. And your pronunciation's OK When you correctly say croquet, Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve, Friend and fiend, alive and live. Ivy, privy, famous; clamour And enamour rhyme with hammer. River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb, Doll and roll and some and home. Stranger does not rhyme with anger, Neither does devour with clangour. Souls but foul, haunt but aunt, Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant, Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger, And then singer, ginger, linger, Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge, Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age. Query does not rhyme with very, Nor does fury sound like bury. Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth. Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath. Though the differences seem little, We say actual but victual. Refer does not rhyme with deafer. Feoffer does, and zephyr, heifer. Mint, pint, senate and sedate; Dull, bull, and George ate late. Scenic, Arabic, Pacific, Science, conscience, scientific. Liberty, library, heave and heaven, Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven. We say hallowed, but allowed, People, leopard, towed, but vowed. Mark the differences, moreover, Between mover, cover, clover; Leeches, breeches, wise, precise, Chalice, but police and lice; Camel, constable, unstable, Principle, disciple, label. Petal, panel, and canal, Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal. Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair, Senator, spectator, mayor. Tour, but our and succour, four. Gas, alas, and Arkansas. Sea, idea, Korea, area, Psalm, Maria, but malaria. Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean. Doctrine, turpentine, marine. Compare alien with Italian, Dandelion and battalion. Sally with ally, yea, ye, Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key. Say aver, but ever, fever, Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver. Heron, granary, canary. Crevice and device and aerie. Face, but preface, not efface. Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass. Large, but target, gin, give, verging, Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging. Ear, but earn and wear and tear Do not rhyme with here but ere. Seven is right, but so is even, Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen, Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk, Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work. Pronunciation -- think of Psyche! Is a paling stout and spikey? Won't it make you lose your wits, Writing groats and saying grits? It's a dark abyss or tunnel: Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale, Islington and Isle of Wight, Housewife, verdict and indict. Finally, which rhymes with enough -- Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough? Hiccough has the sound of cup. My advice is to give up!!!   Sounds and Letters A poem for English students When in English class we speak, Why is break nor rhymed with freak? Will you tell me why it's true That we say sew, but also few? When a poet writes a verse Why is horse not rhymed with worse? Beard sounds not the same as heard Lord sounds not the same as word Cow is cow, but low is low Shoe is never rhymed with toe. Think of nose and dose and lose Think of goose, but then of choose. Confuse not comb with tomb or bomb, Doll with roll, or home with some. We have blood and food and good. Mould is not pronounced like could. There's pay and say, but paid and said. "I will read", but "I have read". Why say done, but gone and lone - Is there any reason known? To summarize, it seems to me Sounds and letters disagree.   Classic CHURCH BULLETIN Bloopers: 1) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. 2) The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church. 3) The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. 4) Evening massage - 6 p.m. 5) The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. 6) The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession. 7) Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30p.m. Please use the back door. 8) Ushers will eat latecomers. 9) The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment. 10) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 11) The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience. 12) The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy." 13) During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit. 14) Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience." 15) Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice. 16) Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All" 17) The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth. 18) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. 19) The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. 20) The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her. 21) 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why. 22) A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday. 23) Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir. 24) Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding" 25) On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better. 26) Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow. 27) Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help. 28) The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11. 29) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary. 30) 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. 31) The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. 32) Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child. 33) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.   Funny Newspaper Headlines • 17 remain dead in morgue shooting spree • 2 sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter • Alton attorney accidentally sues himself • Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft • Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood • British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands • Car repairman charged with battery. • Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead • Coach fire - passengers safely alight • Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures • County to pay $250,000 to advertise lack of funds • Crack found in man's buttocks • Dealers will hear car talk at noon • Deer Kill 17,000 • Doctor Testifies in Horse Suit • Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case • Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84 • Eastern head seeks arms • Enfields couple slain; Police suspect homicide • Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax • Eye drops off shelf • Farmer Bill dies in house • Federal agents raid gun shop, find weapons • Fish need water, Fed says • Grandmother of eight makes a hole in one • Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors • If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while • Include Your Children When Baking Cookies • Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? • Juvenile court to try shooting defendant • Kids make nutritious snacks • Kids must be shot by monday • Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years • Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests • Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half. • Lung cancer in women mushrooms • Man in diaper directs traffic • Man struck by lightning faces battery charge • Miners refuse to work after death • Never withhold herpes infection from loved one • New study of obesity looks for larger test group • New Vaccine May Contain Rabies • One-armed man applauds the kindness of strangers • Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over • Plane too close to ground, crash probe told • Police begin campaign to run down Jaywalkers • Prostitutes Appeal to Pope • Psychopaths unpredictable • Reagan wins on budget, but more lies ahead • Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges • Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted • Shot off woman's leg helps Nicklaus to 66 • Something went wrong in jet crash, experts says • Soviet virgin lands short of goal again • Squad helps dog bite victim • Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25 • Stolen painting found by tree • Stud tires out • Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents • Teacher strikes idle kids • There are no mistakes in this hedline • Thought for the day: The best exercise -- reach down and pull someone up. Sponsored by Petersen Funeral Home. • Tiger Woods plays with own balls, Nike Says • Tuna Biting Off Washington Coast • Two sisters reunited after eighteen years at checkout counter • Two Soviet ships collide - one dies • Typhoon rips through cemetery - hundreds dead • Utah Poison Center reminds everyone not to take poison • War Dims Hope for Peace • Water houseplants when soil is dry (featured apparently on a BBC Radio 4 News Quiz, where Mr. Legge was appointed to the head of the body of the government that deals with military arms: "Legge Heads Arms Body"   Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. The winners are: • Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. • Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline. • Bustard (n.), a rude bus driver. • Cabbage Patch: A patch for those trying to stop eating cabbage. • Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men. • Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs. • Discussion: n., a Frisbee-related head injury. • Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. • Excruciate: n., the ligament that attaches your ex-wife to your paycheck. • Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained. • Flattery: n., a place that manufactures A and B cup brassieres only. • Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. • Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there. • Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash. • Ineffable: adj., describes someone you absolutely cannot swear in front of. • Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp. • Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie. • Nincompoop: n., the military command responsible for battlefield sanitation. • Oral-B: Monica's grade on her last intern evaluation. • Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions. • Ozone: n., area in which the G-spot is located. • Perplexed: adj., lost in a movie theater. • Pimple: n., pimp's apprentice. • Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist. • Pontificate: n., a document given to each graduating pope. • Pop Secret: Paternity suit settled without publicity. • Population: n., that nice sensation you get when drinking soda. • Racket: n., a small pair of breasts. • Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you. • Semantics (n.), pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood. • Spatula: n. A fight among vampires. • Sudafed: A software program on how to file a civil action against the government. • Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam. • Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent. • • • The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, • alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. • • Here are this year's winners: • • Accimental: Caused by a Freudian slip. • Acme: a generic skin disease. • Adulatery: cheating on one’s wife with a much younger woman who holds you in awe. • Alexpandria: A town known for its buffet restaurants. • Algaebra: What the Little Mermaid wears over her chest. • Aliass: A body double for a nude scene. • Antifun gal: a prude. • Apocalypstic: The little smudge I came home with on my collar that makes my wife act like it's the end of the world. • Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. • Arbyss: The deepest part of the stomach, reserved for two Giant Roast Beefs, large Curly Fries and a chocolate shake. • Auto-da-feh: The extermination of heretics via drowning in a vat of pus. • Avant-harde: Before the Cialis kicks in. • Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. • Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. • Burglesque: a poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate) • Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. • Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating. • Coiterie: A very very close-knit group. • Contratemps: The resentment permanent workers feel toward the fill-in workers. • Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. • Defenestraction: A ruse to divert the cop's attention while you throw the evidence out the window. • Deifenestration: to throw all talk of God out the window. • DIOS: The one true operating system. • Doltergeist: A spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as your septic tank. • Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. • Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you have been smoking marijuana. • Dozie: The lie a person tells when a telephone caller wakes him up and he denies that he was sleeping. • Elepants: Too-tight jeans on broad-beamed people. • Emasculathe: a tool for castration. • Eunouch: the pain of castration. • Fadavers: Last year's hot fads. • Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. • Fortissimoe: The musical moment produced when someone serially slaps the faces of the first-violin section. • Genitaliar: an image-enhancing object that can be carried in a man’s front pocket. • Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very,very high. • Glibido (v): All talk and no action. • Goodzilla: a giant lizard that puts out forest fires by stamping on them. • Guillozine: a magazine for executioners. • Hindkerchief: really expensive toilet paper; toilet paper at Buckingham Palace. • Hindprint: indentation made by a couch potato. • Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness. • Hooternanny: The au pair you thought was especially promising, but your wife sent back to the agency. • Hozone: the area around 14th Street. • Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole. • Impotience: Eager anticipation by men awaiting their Viagra prescription. • Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. • Intaxication: Euphoria at receiving a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. • Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer. • Lollapalooka: Someone who has taken one too many turns in the mosh pit. • Lust: an unseemly craving for this position in the column. • Main Geeze: How an elderly, unmarried couple refer to each other. • Nazigator: an overbearing member of your carpool. • Necronancy: Communication with the late Ernie Bushmiller. • Newtspaper: the Washington Times. • Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.) • Polarvoid: The state of having no baby pictures, a condition that usually befalls the second-born child. • Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. • Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. • Sata: a mythical being who brings toys to bad children. • Socceur: the proper spelling of the sport for the next four years, alas. • Stupfather: Woody Allen. • Suckotash: a dish consisting of corn, lima beans and tofu. • Synapple: a perfect beverage to accompany brain food. • Taterfamilias: the head of the Potato Head family. • Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head. • Thripp: A bug. • Tumfoolery: When a middle-aged man sucks in his stomach while being introduced to an attractive woman • Vaseball: a game of catch played by children in the living room. • Whitetater: Aa political hot potato. • Writer’s tramp: a woman who practices poetic licentiousness. “Our language is funny – a ‘fat chance’ and a ‘slim chance’ are the same thing.” J. Gustav White “If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.” Doug Larson “If the English language made any sense, a catastrophe would be an apostrophe with fur.” Doug Larson “Why do we have noses that run and feet that smell?” Author Unknown “English is a funny language; that explains why we park our car on the driveway and drive our car on the parkway.” Author Unknown “The word ‘good’ has many meanings. For example, if a man were to shoot his grandmother at a range of five hundred yards, I should call him a good shot, but not necessarily a good man.” G. K. Chesterton “Lymph, v.: to walk with a lisp.” Washington Post reader “I like the word ‘indolence.’ It makes my laziness seem classy.” Bern Williams “The two most beautiful words in the English language are ‘check enclosed.'” Dorothy Parker “The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian ‘pahks’ his ‘cah,’ the lost ‘r’s migrate southwest, causing a Texan to ‘warsh’ his car and invest in ‘erl wells.'” Author Unknown “‘I am’ is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that ‘I do’ is the longest sentence?” George Carlin “Rudyard Kipling was fired as a reporter for the San Francisco Examiner. His dismissal letter was reported to have said, ‘I’m sorry, Mr. Kipling, but you just don’t know how to use the English language. This isn’t a kindergarten for amateur writers.'” Author Unknown “The English language has a deceptive air of simplicity; so have some little frocks; but they are both not the kind of thing you can run up in half an hour with a machine.” Dorothy L. Sayers “What is the shortest word in the English language that contains the letters: abcdef? Answer: feedback. Don’t forget that feedback is one of the essential elements of good communication.” Author Unknown “English grammar is so complex and confusing for the one very simple reason that its rules and terminology are based on Latin, a language with which it has precious little in common.” Bill Bryson “Making English grammar conform to Latin rules is like asking people to play baseball using the rules of football.” Bill Bryson “The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, ‘I’m from the government and I’m here to help.’” Ronald Reagan “In my sentences I go where no man has gone before… I am a boon to the English language.” George W. Bush “Introducing ‘Lite’ – The new way to spell ‘Light’, but with twenty percent fewer letters.” Jerry Seinfeld “England and America are two countries separated by a common language.” George Bernard Shaw “Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.” Robert Benchley “When I read some of the rules for speaking and writing the English language correctly, I think any fool can make a rule, and every fool will mind it.” Henry David Thoreau “I speak two languages: Body and English.” Mae West “Opera in English is, in the main, just about as sensible as baseball in Italian.” H. L. Mencken “Never make fun of someone who speaks broken English. It means they know another language.” H. Jackson Brown, Jr.